So this is an article written by my great friend Will Niver for a campus magazine called BoUNCe a while back. After talkin with Will, he felt this was worthy to share with the world. Will is a rising senior and his major is BAMF Optimisation. Enjoy.
Will Niver
Optimistic scientists countered global warming Chicken Littles with a stunning announcement: the beaches are getting closer. No longer will Chapel Hill residents have to drive hours and hours simply to take a dip in the Atlantic. Within a matter of years, the scientists report, Chapel Hill may be a mere stone’s throw from the coast, welcome news to local beach-goers.
“I’m really stoked,” said one surfer, eager to hit the waves somewhere over Wake County. “I pretty much quit surfing when I came to school since it’s such a hassle to drive all the way to Cape Hatteras. Soon I’ll just go down the street!”
The news also perked the ears of several real estate developers, who are busy gobbling up beach-front property in such buzzing locales asHillsborough Bay. “For us, it’s just about being optimistic,” one Raleigh resident said. “I’m going to open up a seafood restaurant, you know, maybe one of those Sea-Doo rentals. Looking into getting one of those ice cream stands you hitch on the back of a bike. Just the tip of the iceberg, really.” He added that this particular iceberg hosted a family of drowning, cannibalistic polar bears and was quickly disappearing.
Not everyone welcomes the news, however. Specifically, residents of every town east of Raleigh greet the report with unease. “You mean, we’ll all be underwater?” asked one farmer near Elizabeth City. “Like Atlantis?”
This revelation led to a day-long celebration in Elizabeth City herself, where cows were fitted with snorkels and paraded through the city. Optimistically, BradleyFitzMatherson, the mayor of Elizabeth City, remarked to the crowd, “We’ve brought in plastic surgeons, who are already preparing a plan on how they might give the children gills.
The scientists cautioned, however, that the reports were based primarily on hours playing with Google Earth and what they could remember from Waterworld. One scientist said, “I wouldn’t go buy extra floaties just yet.”
This is Will in a cow costume. Photoshopped snorkel coming soon!
