Inspired by the abundance of rodent wildlife in NC, me and Niver devoted out time and brains to creating a new sport . . . squirrel fishing, what a thrill it would be.
Squirrel Fishing 101:
Squirrels: nature’s proof that fluffy tails can make a rodent cute. That’s right, the grey (and sometimes brown) animals we all adore are no more than rats in the eyes of our favorite biology professors. But we say “screw that” because let’s face it; they’re more adorable than Mean Girls-era-Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears circa HAIR. It’s amazing what losing 30 pounds and your head of hair will do for your hotness factor, which is why squirrels stay fat and hairy.
A problem we have come across lately is the sport of squirrel hunting. There is no need to punish anything just out to get a nut, I mean what have squirrels done to deserve being shot at? Absolutely nothing, except being delightful as they frolic through the magic of school quads, front yards, power lines and trash cans. Environmental groups around the world have neglected this charming species of rat too long, so we decided to introduce a new sport to counter the killings in the squirrel hunting community: squirrel fishing.
You see, squirrels are rascally little creatures and like Easy E, they just want that nut. So first, get a peanut (or maybe a cashew) . . . unsalted because squirrels have high blood pressure and are watchful of their squirrelly health. After you have that nut, tie some fishing line around it and secure it tightly, your journey is about to begin.
Then you take your strung up peanut (or cashew if you prefer) and dangle it over a branch. Make sure the squirrel wants that nut as much Eric Cartman would like to cut off Carrot Top’s hair. F*cking gingers, squirrels hate them too.
After the squirrel prances of to your dangling jewel, it is sure to grip on. Here’s where the fun starts! You can squirrel fish by one of two rules: hang time or total air. When playing by hang time, when the squirrel latches on to the nut, you pull the string. A friend times how long the squirrel stays airborne and the winner is simply the squirrel fisher with the highest time. When playing by total air, you jerk and see how high the squirrel can fly. No worries, squirrels resemble cats which mean they are sure to land on their feet. The highest flying squirrel wins the competition. That’s the game; it’s simple and a lot more humane than squirrel slaying with a pellet gun.
Disclaimer: We do not support harming squirrels in any way, so if you do squirrel fish by air, we suggest you use a net to catch them.
