SAN DIEGO — Spurred by widespread criticism surrounding the Democratic Party’s inability to deliver a candidate with proficient national defense knowledge, presidential aspirant Hillary Clinton introduced a new element to her defense plan at a PETA conference in San Diego this morning.
The plan calls for a national zombie defense plan to protect our American citizens against the “eminent” threat. “Zombies exist and we must go after them now before they come for us” proclaimed the former first lady amidst hundreds of cat stroking middle aged women. “If you love your brains, children and America, you will support this plan. The Republicans have had their eyes set on terrorist since day one. Where will they be once the zombies eat their eyes!” When asked about what steps opponent Barack Obama has taken to zombie-proof our beloved country, Clinton hinted at his zombie like exterior and that he is “skinnier than Nicole Richie two weeks after Paris blasts her about her weight.”
Barack commented in a follow up interview he is not of the living dead and noted John Edward’s droning zombie-like personality.
The zombie hunt is in full force and Clinton vows that if elected she will utilize all military personnel stationed in Iraq to protect the United States from day-walkers. Though Clinton’s zombie defense plan calls for the use of guns and bombs, a recent Thrillsonthehill poll found the majority of citizens prefer to slay zombies with a pneumatic nail gun. Clinton acknowledged this advice and vowed to make this military standard issue so Americans can rejoice in re-death by nails on a frequent basis.
